wrITing EffECTiVe suICiDe nOTes

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Make use of funny circumstances!

Gosh, did it come free on its own or was it removed?

Use your impending death as an excuse to indulge bad habits!

Doesn’t even matter if you’re underage! 

Use of awesome visuals makes your note 68% more likely to leave an impression!

Hi, sadly I’ve lost the will to live

Engage suicide style experts to get your death, just right

Our consultants are available 24/7!

How NOT to do it…

This note is such a piece of shit. Firstly, you don’t get to give directions concerning who comes to your funeral… you just killed yourself, so I’m pretty sure I don’t have to do what you say.  Anyway, funerals aren’t exactly the kind of events that you send out invites to. I don’t think it works that way sweetie.

I shouldn’t even need to say it but it really won’t matter who turns up on the day… at least, it won’t matter to you. You won’t be there I’m afraid.

What’s this shit about “bullying killed me. get justice”. Getting picked on cause you’re gay isn’t the worst thing in the world. After all, if you’ve got enough awareness to so clearly see the causality between the bullying you’ve received, you being really sad about it and your decision to end your life, then you were probably switched on enough to be able to work through the trauma, get comfortable with being a homo and then get your revenge on the bullies by living it up as an adult. Have you not seen the way gay’s carry on? It’s at least 20 years of fucking, doing poppers and dressing in lycra for gay pride week… why would you want to miss out on that shit?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for suicide in the right circumstances, just not as a pathetic form of revenge THAT YOU’LL NEVER GET TO ENJOY! Why not develop an evil plan to torture those bullies instead? Or better yet, cripple them with a well placed bullet, then follow them round for the rest of their lives giving them shit about being handicapped. Now that’s a boss way to get some tasty revenge, you fucking amateur! 

How to totally NAIL it!

This guy on the other hand, absolutely fuckin’ knocked it out of the park! Simple, succinct and classy as fuck!

When it comes time for me to eat a bullet, or decorate the garage with my insides, and I manage to go out with even a half of this guy’s badassitude, I’ll be one happy corpse.  

lET uS sHOw yOu hOW iT's DONe...

gO ouT wITh cLAss anD baDDAssITuDe

Don’t get caught out writing shitty suicide notes that fail to make the impact you desire… unless you’re just trying to get attention from people who hate you, you only get to do it once, so why not make it count!

Our panel of experts, from a variety of complimentary fields – including a self-help guru, a failed cricket player, a shut-in and two poets – (let’s face it, poets are basically born to kill themselves) will show you how to write strong, effective and direct suicide notes that will leave a lasting impression on the people you left behind.

We’ll give you tips on form, function and depth of impact, as well as how to cater notes to certain personality types. Got a bleeding heart girlfriend? Easy! Follow our step by step guide on how to write a ‘I can’t stand the world’s suffering no more!’, and she’ll be weeping like a shower curtain while praising your ‘character’ in no time!

And if you find yourself in a particularly sticky suicidal situation and need something tailor-made to match your needs, no problem! Our death-note  copywriting consultants are available, at normal rates, during business hours Mon to Fri, and, for a higher rate, outside normal hours, 24/7! Why spend money on the funeral when you won’t even be around to enjoy it? Instead, spend a fraction on a stylish suicide note, and use the rest to get seriously fucked up before the deed, so you can go out in style!

A suicide shouldn’t be boring! Turn your early demise into the talk of the town! We’ll show you how…